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I Love You Mom
It’s a chilly morning as I make my way down the stairs. I gaze over the lake and notice the autumn colored leaves moving gently with the wind. I sit on the couch, wrapping myself up in the familiar multi-colored blanket my mom knit years ago. The fire is burning and the stillness stirs within me- many memories of the last few months here at the lake house in northern Ontario move through me. How guided I was to come and care for my mom and dad as the months unveiled the perfect path for all of their children. Intensely we all stayed to give of ourselves and trust in this divine plan that was unfolding before our eyes.
Two months ago, dad was dying of congestive heart failure as my mothers’ Alzheimer’s symptoms were moving into an unmanageable stage. We were waiting for a bed to open up at a nearby nursing home for our mom and in the meantime giving both our parents
24 hr. care. This was the gift for us as we took turns staying up through the night to serve their needs.
I felt so full in those precious moments, assisting my mom during sleepless nights as she would look up at me and for a brief moment she saw me and with great love, she would kiss me or touch my face like no one else could.
And then the call came to inform us that there was a place for mom to go. All of her children, Colleen, Philomene, Philip and I, brought her to this new home as the care givers welcomed her as we walked into the lobby. How difficult it was to let her go that night. She smiled at us as the nurse wheeled her into the dining room. We left for dinner and when we returned to tuck her into bed later that night; it was so hard to leave her. When Colleen found her the next morning, slumped in a chair, she was barely recognizable. Mom had a massive stroke and for the next five days we did not leave her side. One of us was always with her and the nurses cared for her like the Goddess that she was.
Each day brought her closer to the death of her body as we watched her change- her transformation, like a butterfly, moving into the colors of creation. She could not speak yet her eyes wide open, starring into what? Maybe the light was bringing her mother and father and others who have waited patiently for her homecoming. We continued to touch her, sharing our love for her with words and song. It was so sacred as the music echoed through the room.
All her children slept around her bed as I sat up with mom- breathing with her and reassuring her that she could now go to God. So brave she was in this labor as I looked into her eyes, holding her hand and touching her heart. She was always so afraid and so this day I stayed close to her and watched her every breath. Just as she did for us when we were babies, sitting up all night by our cribs, making sure we were still breathing.
As I watched her that night, the light began to radiate all around her and her breathing became more rapid. I looked into her eyes and said, “Mom, go to Jesus now, go to all the ones waiting for you. It’s time to let go of us, we want you to be free.”
All of a sudden her breath softens and her mouth smiles. She isn’t looking at me. She is seeing beyond this world. She finally let’s go. I wake up my sisters and brother and announce that mom is taking her last breath. We join hands in silence as each of us holds her with our hearts as we witness a miracle. As she takes her final breath, her body illuminated, she merges with her light body. She looked younger and the peace that she became, moved through us as her spirit soared up through our joined hearts. We began singing the song “On Eagles Wings” and the joy and sorrow of this beautiful, timeless moment left us speechless. In the silence we looked down at our mother’s body, missing her already, yet in gratitude that we could participate in this most precious moment of our mother becoming her light body.
As the days went by, the whole process of the loss of my mom has been heart breaking. The gifts have been countless as my sisters and I spend these weeks together cleaning closets and caring for dad. No one can tell you what it is like to lose a parent. These experiences are so personal and the loss of this great woman who taught me faith, beauty, family love and so much more is now gone. I bow to her for choosing to be my greatest teacher. I honor her for being the best mom I could ever ask for. I miss her so very much yet I am able to receive her spirit whenever my heart welcomes her.
She continues to show me so much each day since she transitioned at 3:45 am, Sept. 30th.
As I left the nursing home and walked up the pathway to the lake house, every flower glimmering and dancing as if every part of her was swaying in the petals of each flower saying, “I am here.”
I feel you mom- you are deeply inside every part of this world you left behind. I bow to you dear mom, for you did not have to claim the disease and live out your years on the Alzheimer’s wing like your mother did for 13 yrs. You continue to teach me these great lessons for my life. I love you mom and miss you every day.
Susan Mary Hoffman
(Kaczmarzyk)
August 10th, 1926- September 30th, 2009
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If I could tell you what I feel—
I would cry the words out loud.
Wrapping myself around the longing for your touch.
My heart feels empty without you here,
Yet full of sadness spilling out like an endless river of tears.
You are gone- You are so near.
For every thought is of you.
I grasp onto the memories that pour through me—
Trying to remember every part of you.
Don’t leave me for a moment for I do not want to forget—
You my precious mother.
I do not want you to fade away like a dream
that once was dreamt and now forgotten.
How could I live without you?
You will live within me as everything I do, I will do for you.
To live my life fully, for when I do,
I will feel this grateful life that I was birthed because of you.
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I thank all of you for your love and prayers through these last months. I am now off to Mexico with my sisters, as we rest and celebrate our mother as she travels with us in spirit. I hope to be back in Florida early November.
All my love
Frannie
Donations can be made to the Alzheimer’s Society of Canada
Visit website — www.alzheimers.ca
Phone — 1-800-616-8816
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